Darkness has a strange even a magical power of distorting the light to make it look like something totally different. The closet which keeps our clothes safe and clean suddenly becomes the portal to an unseen horror at night, the coat hanging on the door is now a spectre lurking in the dark ready to pounce. This also happens during the seeming safety of the day. The light which we feel is our best friend can also be the same energy which removes our power. The kryptonite to superman, the cross to Dracula. The light which gives us hope suddenly becomes our enemy and we seek shelter in the relative knowing of the darkness imbs6zb.
There are certain times in our life which really put us through the mill, wringing us out and throwing us away like used tissues. My own experiences have given me a deep insight into this very phenomenon. The people who I thought and really felt I knew, the people who would never desert me, never betray me, were the ones who stabbed me in the back. My own parents, my sisters and my brother were the ones who pushed me into the abyss of despair and struggle.
I was pushed out into the darkness of the night, the door shut on my future and my past. The cause MONEY, yes money the profit which was being made my my suffering was too valuable to be ignored. The need for them to make the profit was too powerful against my value as a daughter. They weighed me and the profit and the scales tilted against me.
My light became my darkness; my safety became my suffocation. How could they do this? Wasn’t I their daughter? What was so precious about the money which they seek to squeeze from me? Was I in a nightmare where all the friendly faces become the fiendish clowns who are after me to rip me to shreds? No unfortunately this wasn’t a nightmare it was sadly too real. Walking away from their door, I felt as if the earth had opened up and I had been swallowed by it. I was falling into the pits of the hellfire and I would never ever be saved. I became afraid of the light; I was terrified of the love which was so weak it snapped at the first hurdle.
My only solace was to take the bottle of pills and finish this needless suffering. I was 6 months pregnant with my second child. My son, now he’s 13. I took the pills, however my husband saw me and stopped me before I could do some real harm to myself. I wanted to just end the suffering, the pain I was experiencing. How could my parents who bore me, how could my siblings my childhood friends do this to me? It was too painful to even think about.
Through the past 13 years I have asked myself this same question over and over again. To no result or no answers. I have stopped punishing myself for someone’s crime. To me the relationship I now have has no value, to me they sold their love for profit. It was a trade, which they made. I have stopped myself from going down the path of hating light and loving darkness. I have worked on my self love and self acceptance. I have learnt I am much more valuable than what I have been told all my life.
Have you every felt afraid of the light? Does darkness seem like a friend sometimes? How have you overcome this struggle?
Until next time