They say the most beautiful journeys are towards the paths which have not been discovered yet. These paths are the ones which no one has touched and wait for those destined feet to touch them. These feet maybe the ones which have no clue who is waiting for them until they are called for. This to me feels like a fated connection, the path is waiting for the steps to fall on it and its destiny will be complete.
My own journey has also started to walk this untrodden path within my own being. A path where I now have come to realise I left a small girl all alone to be by herself and she is still waiting for me at the same spot. She is me and I am her. She has been within me all my life, she is 11 years old, she was left there by me when I couldn’t deal with her anymore.
Her need to be loved and accepted had become so much for me I decided to grow up and leave her behind me. I ran and ran away from her until I could run no more. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible and I was never successful in doing this. The more I ran from her the nearer she came towards me. Her footsteps have echoed within my being for the last 29 years and I have chosen to shut them out because I didn’t want her to be inside me. I didn’t want to look out for her, I didn’t want to look after her. She isn’t my child, she isn’t my daughter, why am I being asked to take care of her? I was so angry at her. I hated her and I wanted to scrape her being out of myself like an unwanted pregnancy being scraped out of the womb. I wanted this spiritual abortion so much, the only way I could not see her and feel her within me was to run away from her and never look back on the path where I had left her.
Her calls, her cries and her sobbing has been echoing and haunting me since the day I chose to bury her within me. She was a reminder of what I wasn’t allowed to be, she was a reminder of the love I hadn’t been given. She was my past and I wanted to run away from my past. I had put up blocks and boulders on every path to her, it was like I wanted to close all paths leading to her. I unheard her her voice, her cries and her sobs. She was like this illegitimate child of a loveless relationship. She felt like she had been created by out of hate and not love, she felt like a heavy burden on my heart and she was unwanted by the woman who bore her and she was unwanted by me the woman who held her.
The calling from the path within me has been a dull ache for such a long time now I feel that part of my being is now becoming cancerous. I don’t want to die, I want to live and for me to live I have to heal myself, I have to love the child within me. I want to love the little girl within me. She has not come into this world on her own accord. She was bought into this world. She is now my responsibility. I have decided to walk the untrodden path within me and I have come to trust only my footprints will make this path reach its destiny. I know she is waiting for me at the edge of the woods, she has been since I left her there. She wants me to join her and she has so much to tell me, she has stories and games and love she has love to give me. I want to love her too. I don’t know where we will go from here, however for the time being I am happy to let her show me all she the secrets she has kept for me to see. I am excited I have found a new friend.
Until next time…….
Do you have a hidden path within you? Have you ever trodden on it? What did you find on this path? Share with me and let us all go within ourselves and discover our beings.