I remember once when I was doing my level 3 counselling qualification this was in 2010. It was the last day of the deadline and I was in the library fighting the clock trying to win my battle to complete my work. I was just hours away from my deadline and here I was folder open, mapping criteria and making sense of this mountain of paperwork. I called my tutor to let her know I wasn’t going to make it, I was too close to giving up and just walking out. I remember what she said to me and I have tied this to my heart for as long as I live.
She said “Misbah remember one thing, if it is worth it, it will be difficult to get and if it’s not worth it it will be easy”. Hearing these words, I felt like I was hit by a lightening bolt, I was suddenly jolted back into the realm of the living. I wanted this so badly, I wasn’t sure when I was so hungry for anything in my life before this time. I wanted the clock to stop and I wanted to speed up time, I wanted the papers to magically fly and settle down into their respective sections in my folder, I wanted to just run out of the library with my completed folder and submit my work. I did all this but without the magic, or so it seemed this way. I finished my work and ran to the college campus across the road and submitted my folder.
That was then and this is now. Those words which were uttered to me by my tutor, were for a student who was on the verge of giving up so close to the finishing line. Those few words have been my lifesavers when I have had the urge to give up and go. I have had those words cling to the core of my being like a life boat in a storm, I am also now in a storm as storm of saving my sanity, my self belief and my own being. I am being asked to be someone who has no connection with myself, she is being asked to be someone she is not and was never meant to be. The storm which is stirring within me is endangering all the boats which have held me into this place for such a long time. These rusty boats have caused me to stay in the place of non belonging for so long I have come to believe that I actually belong here. Now as the waters are shifting and moving my boat is also moving along with them, she is now tasting new waters on her lips, these new flavours are giving her a promise of new lands and new adventures. She has to let go of these old shackles, they’ve kept her bound for too long.
New horizons beckon me, they are reaching out their arms and I trust their warm embraces will melt all the ice within me. Their warmth and acceptance is going to make all my wounds turn into wisdom. All I have to do is let go and float away into this unknown comfort. Although I know deep down I belong away from this rusty and decomposing pit, I am so afraid of moving into something new however warm, welcoming and accepting it is. I am afraid to listen to my inner wisdom, I am afraid I might be wrong and take this plunge, if I am wrong who will I return to? An empty place where no one I know lives anymore? I am stuck between knowing where to go and knowing what needs to be let go. How will I survive this struggle and tearing? It sometimes feels my soul has been ripped into two different people and I have to choose which one I want to follow. I will go back to the day in the library, with my folder open and the decision to either close it and go home or be brave enough to fight time and finish what I know is right. I will have to hear those words again which tell me anything which is worth getting is worth fighting for, this time however I will be my own teacher, I will be my own guide and I will be the companion.
Till next time
I guess the only question I have for you today is, how have you fought and won your wars? Let me know and who knows maybe your victory maybe what I am seeking.