I have heard so many times about self love and not really understood the concept and to this day as I am writing this I still feel at a total loss. This total confused feeling really does make me wonder is self love really this hard to achieve? We are told as women to be loving towards others, take care of others etc etc however what about the need to give this same love to ourselves?
I can only really and truly write about my own self, even then I can only write about the parts which I can see and feel not the parts which I know are still hidden beneath my depths believe me there are parts of me which are as hidden as the dark side of the moon. You see whilst growing up I was asked and I obliged to accept my fate. I was asked to listen to the others around me and really really give my all to this obligation, my words did not have any value, they did not resound or even have a sound. I had turned into this mechanical person who listens to what the others are ordering her to do. I would like to believe I am now going forward and away from this mechanical form of myself and growing into a biological being who has a soul and spirit.
I am stepping into my reality everyday and really finding that each day as it comes towards me is as challenging as the day which has passed by. I look at the days both coming and going and ask myself how much more have I loved myself more than yesterday and I would like to confirm I have loved myself more than yesterday. The need for me to this is so strong I feel I won’t be able to form them into words. I would however like to paint a picture of my feelings, if you can imagine a plant which needs to be watered consistently with love and compassion.
If it isn’t watered even for one day, it will wither away with all the love and kindness it has been given will evaporate with it. So you see my own being is very similar to this plant. I NEED to water my being with self love. I know what I need but I don’t know if I have the proper love for myself. I know I am sounding a bit confused. As I said earlier I am learning. I am learning to love myself, learning what makes me, me. I am learning who I am, I am learning what makes me happy what makes me sad. You could say I am being born again. Don’t take this wrong I am not saying I am a born again in the religious sense, I am born again into myself, my being. The baby food I need is self love, I feed myself spoonful of this stuff everyday, sometimes I like the taste and gobble it up and sometimes I don’t like it even though it is good for me. To me the taste of love is sometimes very hard to swallow. I have to sugar coat the bitter taste, something very similar to what Mary Poppins does for the children she is looking after.
So in essence I am my own keeper, the gardener to my own garden and this switching roles can get very exhausting. Sometimes I want to take time off from this ‘baby sitting’ duty. Then I look at my plant and like the rose from Beauty and the Beast it keeps withering at even this thought and I get so scared. How can I do this? So I decide at every morning I will love myself more today. No matter how hard it gets, I will keep watering it.
Are there times when you find yourself fighting to love yourself? Do you have times when you feel selfish when you choose to offer yourself the love you offer others? How do you feel when you decide to look after yourself? Please do share your insights